


Spirit of Man

by stuck_as_sarah



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Castiel Thinking, Castiel-centric, Crushes, Feelings, Flirting, Friendship, Light Angst, Lonely Castiel, M/M, Mild Blood, Talking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-01 08:46:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4013245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuck_as_sarah/pseuds/stuck_as_sarah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel goes to diners alone sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brown Eyed Boy

Sometimes Cas will admit it feels like he doesn't see Sam and Dean for a while. He feels a warmth stir in him when the phone will ring, almost knocking it over with how fast he grabs for it, and sees the caller ID saying Sam. Cas takes it for what it is sometimes, Sam asking for his help, needing his angel juice as they call it. Other times Sam will call and ask how he is, talk about how Dean's been doing, and Cas will be able to hear Sam talk about their day until it dulls and they say goodbye. Cas lives for days he can talk with Sam, but he can't help the slight stab of loneliness after Sam hangs up and he's left alone in the small place he's staying at. Cas knows he shouldn't expect much from Sam and Dean. He treasures how much Sam has given him despite his intimate knowledge of their emotional struggle. Sam lets him know they care, has hugged him, warm and strong. Cas hadn't known how much he enjoyed hugging until then.  


Cas almost feels like his time being human rubbed off on him. In the midst of lying in bed he'll feel aches and phantom chills as if he could still feel the cold gust of air and the pain of resting alone in bed. He's never had someone in a bed with him, but he can imagine the hugs Sam gives him when he is alone and he thinks lying in bed with Sam warm and wrapped around him would be peaceful. Cas realizes he doesn't know a lot of people. He isn't so good with other humans. Sometimes he'd go to a diner, not necessarily to eat since digestion wasn't one of the things he still had after getting his grace back, but to just feel the distant warmth of a cup of coffee and enjoy the feeling of being around other humans all in their own lives and wrapped up in their own plights. Cas feels bad when he really thinks about it, but he eavesdrops in others conversations, each one a unique and private story being told. Cas empathizes with each one. He enjoys the more romance filled ones the most, whispered stories of an intimate affair, jealousy ridden unrequited tales, nostalgic flashbacks of a first love. Cas loves them all, leaning off his seat to hear each one. He's seen and heard enough horror to deeply attach to the rare love or even lust stricken ones he gets, burying them deep to paint pictures with on late nights where he lays in an unstirred almost sleep like state just out of habit and the deep seated need to feel human.  


Cas can't imagine admitting to Sam how he feels about having been human. When he was he was often cold and homeless, tired and sad. The few moments he had, fresh showers, warm meals, those were the best he could ever remember feelings. He just also had some of the worst moments he ever remembered feeling. If he were to ever tell anyone it would be Sam. He'd like to think Sam would like hearing his joys at being human, maybe even smile at him. With everything that happens around them constantly it'd feel selfish to bring up such a trivial thing in a dire moment. Feelings were bittersweet, but now everything was dulled as an angel. Before he truly felt the love and pain of humanity he only imagined and dreamed of what it was to be human, sympathizing for the sake of all humans without really understanding it. He felt helpless as a human, but every gesture from Sam hit harder. He knew how much he really cared in those fearful and weak moments.  


“You remind me of a friend,” Cas said without thought. The young boy in front of him had asked why he was here so often. He came almost everyday, sitting on the corner stool by the counter getting a coffee and if he felt out of place a plate of fries and pretend to eat. The boy he grew fond of seeing was there whenever he came and took his familiar seat. Cas smiled the first time he read his name tag as Matthew. Something about it sounded right. Matthew's eyebrows scrunched, but his expression seemed almost flattered. “Is that good or bad?” he asked with a laugh. Cas felt a small warmth at the action, looking to his hands around his cup of coffee, wondering if it's just the heat of the mug spreading through him as if he was human again. “It's good,” Cas replied. “He's a good man.” Matthew's smile faltered and Cas couldn't help questioning if he said something wrong. “So,” Matthew paused, looking away to run a rag over the counter distractingly, keeping eyes on his own hand moving. Cas didn't get it, the table seemed like it was already cleaned.“Boyfriend, huh?” Cas didn't react, only a small raise to his eyebrows. “Sam? No, he's just a friend of mine.”  


He didn't catch Matthew's eyes light up after his response. Cas was frankly lost at the strange jump. “You just come here all the time to see me then?” Matthew said boldly. Cas squinted at him. Seeing the nervous stretch to his smile Cas tried to soften his expression accommodatingly. “I enjoy the stories,” he said vaguely. A snort from Matthew caused his eyes to jerk up to him. He twitch a little at the sharp movement and Cas attempted a smile, afraid to scare off his only company. He never talked to anyone here, simply felt the essence of being in the midst of human social interactions and not quite emerged in the fragile act. Whenever he came here he just kept to himself and smiled to Matthew as he refilled his cup. “Well I could tell you a few,” Matthew caught his attention again. He leaned against the counter, quirking his head accentuating the sharp curve of his chin and round cheeks which Cas noted were flushed slightly. _Would it be an odd thing to ask if he had a fever_ , he thought. “I do like stories,” Cas replied with a smile he didn't have to tell himself to make. Matthew gave a smile showing his natural teeth this time, canines flashing their points. Cas hadn't thought till then that this could easily just be a monster fooling him, a wolf in the hide of a human ready to snap at him once his guard lowered. He drifted a hand to his pocket hesitantly, angel blade at a safe reach, doubtful of the act itself.  


Matthew's smile lightened, a fond, measuring expression that Cas felt devoured his features. _This is what feeling self conscious is like, it must be_ , he thought. Matthew had a small nose, not quite as prominent as Sam and Dean's were, small up to the bridge where it was raised and bent. Maybe he'd fought in a battle of a more human nature. _His eyes are too sweet_ , he thought and felt foolish once he did. He thought they were maybe like Sam's and he tilted his head to admire the detail of the dusty deep brown and sparks of gold within. Matthew raised from the counter and cleared his throat. “Excuse me,” he said quietly before moving down the long counter to another person resting in a stool with a sour expression. Cas distracted himself with a sip of the coffee cupped between his fingers, the strength still filling him with warmth, to keep his eyes from following where Matthew went to. Sam had told him staring was impolite. Matthew came back and Cas looked up from the mug. “That gaze could set me on fire,” he said, flushing, returning to his spot against the counter. “I sure hope not,” Cas replied, a genuine look of concern on his face causing Matthew to let out another warm laugh. Cas admired the bounce of loose curls on his head, the dark brown strand on his forehead unwillingly falling at the attempt to be pushed towards an ear.  


Matthew shifted both elbows on the counter, hands stretched in Cas' direction then knotted together. Cas doesn't think he's ever had such a simple intimate conversation. “Look, I've seen you here so many times lately and never got to ask, what's your name?” Cas replied with a shy smile, “Castiel.” Matthew raised an eyebrow and stretched out a hand which Cas took remembering what Sam told him from their last encounter with what people called a handshake. “I'm Matthew, you probably know that already though. That's a beautiful name you know.” Cas shook his hand for a second, distracted at the firm warmth of it. “I've heard a lot of things about it, but never that,” Cas attempted at humor, but Matthew's eyes had a sad twinge. “My friends call me Cas,” he realized was his first try at shifting a conversation instead of letting it drift off. Maybe he did come here hoping to see Matthew again. Cas smiled at him every time he came in, gave soft _thank you_ 's when he'd ready a cup of coffee. Once he'd asked, “Fries again?” and Cas couldn't quite place what he felt, but he liked the thought of being remembered. “I like that,” Matthew said. “My friends call me Matty. I'm not sure if I like it, but I don't mind it. You just start to get used to it.” Cas nodded enthusiastically. “I feel the same.” A moment stretched on till Matthew started, “So, Castiel, do you think maybe-” a shrill ring broke out and even Cas startled, forgetting the weight of the phone in his pocket. It was Sam. Something clicked in him at the knowledge of a need from his friend and he stood then turned to Matthew. “It's my friend. I'm sorry, I have to go.” Cas felt an urgency to leave and paid for the coffee, not looking back as he went through the front doors.


	2. Crushes and Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas pays Sam a well needed visit.

Sam had called for help on a demon. He didn't sound particularly troubled, he even sounded as if Cas would be put out. Cas said of course and headed to him after getting the details on the danger of the situation. He rarely strained himself with teleportation anymore. It felt human in a way to drive for an extended time. Cas started to enjoy the time to himself and discovered the joys of the radio. Late nights helped him broach new interests. In the day he found himself browsing more, settling and deciding that he was being too critical for just being in need of a distraction along the trip. Sam had asked to help him on a small portion of research and verifying translations then the more gruesome task of collecting information from the demon itself. Sam had such a nice way to say torture.  


Once Cas had arrived early morning Sam greeted him at the top of the bunker's staircase. “I hope I didn't intrude on your sleeping Sam,” Cas said at the sight of his sleepy smile. Sam moved in with arms wide and Cas accepted the embrace, a hand occupied with holding his bag. Sam hugged him tight, arm around his waist and over his shoulders. Cas enjoyed the seconds of the touch, his hands returning around Sam's shoulder, giving a squeeze. Sam gave a weak laugh into the hug, pulling back after a long few seconds. “No, man. Pretty hard to sleep with her in here.” Cas frowned a little, corners just starting to draw downwards. He could see exhaustion around Sam's eyes and felt a pang of guilt, wishing he'd traveled quicker. “It'll be much better now that you're here though, right?” Sam smiled with a pat to Cas' shoulder. “I'll do whatever I can to help,” Cas tried reassuring. “Thanks again Cas. Let me take that for you.” Sam leaned to the strap on Cas' duffel, covering Cas' hand and slipping it to his own. “Dean's still asleep. Thought I'd let him sleep in. All he's done lately is keep busy on this case,” Sam spoke as he descended the stairs. He dropped to a chair at the long wooden table after setting Cas' bag next to what is his seat across from Sam.  


“How are you and Dean?” Cas questioned. Sam looked down to his crossed arms on the table and gave a bleak shrug. “We're doing alright. You know how it is. This case is just getting to us. The people we've had to question man, all of them lost the love of their life.” Sam hardly looked up as he spoke. “Do you think all this is the demons doing?” “Maybe some, but it can't be all hers. I'm trying to get a location or something out of her. I just know they have to have a hide out here. Every kill has been in the area.” Sam stood and gave a little nod towards the kitchen. “Coffee?” Cas nodded, a grateful smile on his face. As a full on angel Cas didn't taste much of the bitter drink, was frankly stunned having it as a human. He only had the faint warmth on his tongue which he found quite comforting at times. Now he gets a hopeful feeling drinking it and getting the strong tinge with each sip, even feeling a burn on his tongue, down his throat. Sam poured him a cup of the coffee he had prepared earlier, freezing a moment after adding milk and sugar to his own. “Do you...” he started. “Yes, Sam. I can taste it. Prepare it just as you did yours.” Sam smiled, stirring their coffee, eyebrows scrunching together. “So, you're a bit more human then?” he asked hopefully. Cas felt something odd at the tone. He felt useless as a human, but Sam never did give up on him. Maybe he was more than just a useful to them, he thought. “I like to think so. I can even feel the warmth of it. I find it quite pleasing, although the taste as a human was appalling.” Cas smiled at the memory, tongue burnt, sputtering and trying to swallow away the flavor. Ah, the frailty of being human. “Do you,” Sam paused, hands warming around the mug, watching as Cas took a sip. “Do you feel other things too?” Cas looked up over the rim of his cup. Sam darted his eyes away when Cas looked. “You mean emotions, Sam?” He caught a nod as Sam looked everywhere, but at Cas. “Well,” Cas began, setting his coffee down on the counter they leaned against. “As an angel I did feel things, but I'll admit it was much duller. It was like I knew how I was supposed to be feeling.” Sam nodded in understanding, watching Cas now with interest. “Now everything's much stronger. Everything I'd seen human's feel and experience I understand now because I too feel it in a way.”  


Sam's eyebrow went up and he asked, “In a way?” Cas stumbled over his words. He tried to find what was appropriate to share that wouldn't be considered over-sharing. “After becoming human,” he started, “feelings came easy and strong. I no longer thought how I was supposed to be feeling and just felt it. Now that lingers with me. I don't feel as strong as I used to as an angel before, in terms of 'angel juice' as you say,” Cas air quoted. “If that's because of my furthered knowledge of humanity and the world around me, well possibly. Maybe my growth emotionally, but I feel a human part of me stayed. Some could say that weakened me and most angels would. I like to think my intimate connection with the complexity of human emotion is a strength and unique quality as an angel.” Cas showed a satisfied smile. That seems to suffice, he thought. Sam absorbed it all, eyebrow raised. “Does,” Cas paused, eyes meeting Sam's fond look. “Does that make sense?” “Oh! Yeah, yeah,” Sam waved his hands dismissively. “It does, Cas. Just...” Cas could see tension rise in Sam's shoulders and his throat move as he swallowed. “I know when you were human you and April...” Sam drifted off. There was a pause where Cas waited for him to elaborate. “Well now as an angel again have you, you know.” Cas gave a pleased smiled as Sam flustered with his curiosity, a slight flush to his cheeks. “You mean engaged in intercourse?” Cas almost laughed at the shy nod and turn of Sam's head. He truly did not miss the strong feeling of embarrassment. “I have not, Sam,” he answered simply. Sam nodded at his response, feigning thought, but Cas could tell he already wanted to ask something else. “Have you ever, uh, felt...” Sam gave a motion with a hand, pleading look in his eyes, unable to find the words. “Felt something for someone,” Cas asked. “In that way,” he added quickly, seeking confirmation. Sam responded with a nod, trying to hide the interest in his eyes. “Well, no. Not really.” He took a sip of his coffee, turning to grab it as an excuse to not look at Sam.  


“Not...really?” Sam paused between words. Cas had to look back to Sam after he asked. “Well I've felt things,” Cas said quieter, looking to his shoes and waving a hand, a sign he learned to mean it's not a big deal. “Things?” Sam seemed so much closer than he'd been moments ago. Cas went to loosen his tie. He had to be sure of something before he started this. “Sam, have you ever,” Cas drew out the words, nervously fiddling with the sleeve of his coat. Sam gave an eager nod to continue. “Have you ever felt something for another man?” Cas asked, staring at the wall, sweaty fists balled in his sleeves. Sam had to have known the question was coming yet he still looked away embarrassed and gave a small nod. “Honestly, yeah, I have Cas.” He swallowed the lump in his throat, disguising his relieved sigh as an exhale. “Well before you called I was in this small town. I'd stayed there a while because of this diner I enjoyed. I didn't really eat of course, but I'd have a coffee and clear my mind,” Cas sighed this time. He continued when looking to Sam he received an understanding nod. “Well that's why I went at first. I assumed being around others would be soothing, maybe stir something human in me. And, well, there's this server, Matthew.” Something fluttered in his stomach at saying his name aloud, talking about him like this. Sam had a gleeful look on his face as he went on.  


“He'd make conversation with me as I had my coffee. He even convinced me to get fries, but it was probably just because it was a bit odd sitting there not ordering anything. I assume he's just being polite, but whenever I walk in he'll give me this smile and say hello.” Cas hardly noticed the light sigh that came from him. Sam was leaning over the counter towards him, head resting in his hands and his eyes starry. Cas cleared his throat. He straightening his tie nervously, attempting to put himself together. “Wow, Cas. You're really crushing on him, aren't you?” Sam teased, happiness beaming from him. “If you mean that I like him then, yes. You are correct,” he said robotically, trying to hide his earlier burst of expression. “It's okay Cas, really,” Sam comforted. “Will you tell me what he looks like? Or better, can I meet him?” Sam straightened with his excitement, bracing himself on the counter. “Well his hair is brown, not quite like yours, but darker and a bit curly,” Cas smiled at the memory. “His eyes, though, are like yours, brown and gold, very kind.” Sam's eyes held admiration now, fondness. Cas absorbed the attention while he had it. Sam coughed uncomfortably after a moment of eye contact. “Um, as for meeting him, I don't know. I have mentioned you so I guess-” Sam stopped him, shaking his head. “Wait, wait, wait, you told him about me?” Sam looked concerned. Cas worried his lip at the hint of anger a layer under. “Just because I told him he reminded me of you that's all. He, uh, he thought you were my boyfriend at first,” Cas said nervously. “But I told him we're just friends,” he rushed to say, holding his hands up defensively. Sam stepped back with a stunned expression, quickly turning red and looking away. “Oh,” was all he said. Once Sam looked up, caught Cas' wide eyes with fear hidden underneath, he quickly reassured him with a steady hand to his bicep. “Don't worry about it Cas. It's alright you said that. No harm done.” Cas' face turned up into a hesitant smile in return to Sam's. “I'm gonna meet him though, right?” he added with a smile, light laughs coming from them both.  


Things were light for a moment, minds at rest, off the case at hand. At least until a gut churning shriek echoed throughout the bunker, them jumping into action at the scare. A mug shattered and coffee spilled on tile. There were two pairs of footsteps following each other, hurrying to where the sound appeared to be coming from down the hall. In the blur of following Sam down a wind of stairs to the dungeon he heard, “It's got to be Dean. I swear I thought he was sleeping still.” Cas' heart pounded a little harder. He focused on the pad of Sam's bare feet and huff of his breathe, willing to steady his own breathing. Once the cracked open wall of cabinets separated fully they saw the dark figure of Dean become more visible as the light poured in. He had one of his favorite flannels on and what Cas assumed were his sleeping shorts. After a walk around him Cas realized he was bare chested. There was a continuous patter of blood hitting the floor from the knife he held. It clattered to the floor when Sam stepped in front of him, hands braced on Dean's shoulders. Cas could tell Dean relaxed at the small action. Cas moved to stand next to Sam, stepping around the pooling blood beneath them. His eyes were soft a moment till they flicked over to Cas. They went hard, his body steeling, a furious edge to him. Sam felt the shift in him instantly, not just in his shoulders, but in his whole being, his second nature sixth sense of just knowing how Dean felt. He pulled his hands back, leaving them to hover over where they were resting as if he didn't want to pull back, an instinct to comfort Dean still carved bone deep. “Dean?” he said much more accusingly, almost like a scold, than as an actual question. Dean flinched like he was burned by the tone of his name in Sam's mouth.  


A wet sound came as he stepped back, bare foot landing in blood without the smallest shift in Dean's expression. He made for the doorway, the sound of his feet hitting stairs coming quickly, bloodied footprints a trail behind him. Sam went after him without a second thought till he made it to the door turning to Cas who was stuck in place with confusion. “Cas, just,” Sam jerked his head towards the stairs, feet stopped out of courtesy, but still running for Dean in his mind. “Cas, stay here please. I have to go after him. Just, stay please,” he pleaded. Cas could hear his desperation, whether it be for Dean or for his actual need for Cas to stay. Sam went off without a second look. Cas didn't stay. He thinks he might have slept for the first time since he was human. Either way he stayed in bed for two days.


End file.
